"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted."  Isaiah 61:1

About seven months ago I clung to this verse as if my life depended on it.  At the time, it really did feel as if it did.  And if I think too much about it I can still feel that acute pain.  That ache in my heart that had me on my knees crying out to God.  "Why is this happening?"  "What is Your plan?"  "I thought he was 'the one.'"

Yep, that's right.  My ONE and I had broken up and I was face down in the floor, tears streaming down my face, broken.  I look back now at some journal entries from right before Seth and I broke up and I see how I had pretty much asked for it.  Not exactly knowing what I was asking for, I asked the Lord, my Savior, to break me.  To make Him my number one.  I wanted to feel that fire for Him I had experienced before.

Thankfully, He granted my request.  Yes, I know I said thankfully.  I am thankful.  Thankful that He broke me and showed me that His love was sufficient and that I give myself completely over to Him, my plans, my heart, my EVERYTHING, Seth, He would take care of me.  Turns out Seth came back and now we are stronger than ever and everything is more perfect than I could ever dream.  My most amazing dreams are coming true and I am sitting here watching it all happen.

At least in that area they are.

Here I am seven months later, looking back at the journal entries, the bible study, the prayer requests, the routine, anything I can look back and try and recreate to deal with this new loss.  This loss I never saw coming.  This most terrible, painful, sorrowful loss I never pictured myself dealing with.  I am looking back to anything that can give me that presence of the Lord, the One who saved my heart and brought me back to life.  I need that again.  I am searching.  I am waiting for Him to come bind up my broken heart.  I know He can.  I've felt it.  I have witnessed it.

But... here I sit.  Stunned.  Still in shock I think.  I can't be sure.

Cancer is a thief in the night.  It takes from you when you aren't looking.  It takes what you didn't think could ever be taken.  That is how I feel.  Some say I should be thankful for the time I had to say goodbye and prepare.  But is three months really long enough to say goodbye?  How can anytime be long enough to say goodbye when you are fighting so hard to keep them with you?

I've heard of the stages of grief and I keep trying to fit into one of those stages, but it just is not working.  I want so bad to see some kind of path out of this, but my emotions aren't fitting into any single stage.  Some days I cry, some nights I can't sleep, some times I laugh really hard, and most of the time I am fine.  But then I remember what has happened this year, this past summer really, and it hurts and I am on my knees in the floor crying out to the Lord again.

I know He can heal.  I believe it.  And I will cling to that fact.  And I will wait until my heart is bound up, just like is promised.  I have faith in my Savior.