Well, it's been a month. Sunday was an exact month since it all happened. And here I am doing my genetics homework, going to sorority functions, trying to figure out what PA schools to apply to, studying for tests, and desperately praying and hoping that we will find out that my strong, beautiful sister will be pregnant tomorrow. It is very, very strange. I go home pretty much every weekend and he is still not there. I'm not expecting him to be, but I wish he was.
Part of me says that this is something that will take time to heal and I can't just drop everything to deal with it because life goes on. And I know my Daddy wouldn't want that. The other part says "Laura!! This is a BIG DEAL!! It's okay for somethings to fall to the side for now." And I agree with that too. I don't know which side to believe.
All I know is that it has been a month and I still feel like I am in shock. Is that normal? Is that right? I don't know but I guess it is my normal and my right. I read somewhere that a lot of people go through different feelings and then often circle back to shock. Maybe that is what I am doing.
I don't want to go on with normal life like nothing happened. Because it did and it's hard and he was here and he was the best Dad in the whole world. I am just saying that I don't want to forget the moments I had with him. I want to remember him laughing and healthy and happy, not sick and hurting like he was the last few months of his life. I hope other people remember him that way too.
I have to give thanks to God for providing me with such wonderful friends who support and encourage me. I had a short but wonderful conversation with one of my best friends this weekend and I'm sure she didn't realize it but her words fueled my heart and made me feel strong. There is nothing like friends who love the Lord and are always willing to open their hearts to you.
I am positive our Father uses our friends to help in the process of binding our broken hearts. I am so lucky to have so many friends who are so willing to participate! I apologize if this was post was a bit heavy, but its all just a process.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Blessed Thoughts
"As children of God, we do not have to be derailed by the way we feel. Our God is greater. Give Him your heart." -Beth Moore
Man that woman has some of the best insight! That simple line in my quiet time this morning spoke straight to my heart. I almost always find at least one part of my bible study deals directly with whatever emotion I am feeling that day, which I know is the Lord's doing.
The thought that He is greater, stronger, BIGGER than anything I am dealing with is oh so wonderful. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that He has a plan for my life and is always in control. I never need to worry or fear because I know I am taken care of.
Another blessed thought is that it is completely okay for me to mourn. It is okay and even encouraged for me to feel the way I feel. I have been incredibly fortunate to have had several Jesus loving women in my life to pour into me. Their passion for Him has been a constant guide for me and my own walk. I got to have a lovely conversation with one of them today. In her aim to comfort me, she related to me a piece of advise she had been given from someone who has been through a similar situation: It is okay to hurt right now.
Little did she know, that small wisdom gave me a multitude of freedom. I think a lot of the time I am trying to be strong because I don't want to make too big of a deal out of all this. But the truth is, it is a big deal and it does hurt. And that is okay. I am allowed to feel every single emotion on this roller coaster. And that in itself is beautiful.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven...
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Man that woman has some of the best insight! That simple line in my quiet time this morning spoke straight to my heart. I almost always find at least one part of my bible study deals directly with whatever emotion I am feeling that day, which I know is the Lord's doing.
The thought that He is greater, stronger, BIGGER than anything I am dealing with is oh so wonderful. I take a lot of comfort in knowing that He has a plan for my life and is always in control. I never need to worry or fear because I know I am taken care of.
Another blessed thought is that it is completely okay for me to mourn. It is okay and even encouraged for me to feel the way I feel. I have been incredibly fortunate to have had several Jesus loving women in my life to pour into me. Their passion for Him has been a constant guide for me and my own walk. I got to have a lovely conversation with one of them today. In her aim to comfort me, she related to me a piece of advise she had been given from someone who has been through a similar situation: It is okay to hurt right now.
Little did she know, that small wisdom gave me a multitude of freedom. I think a lot of the time I am trying to be strong because I don't want to make too big of a deal out of all this. But the truth is, it is a big deal and it does hurt. And that is okay. I am allowed to feel every single emotion on this roller coaster. And that in itself is beautiful.
There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven...
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Mountain Tops and Valleys
After Seth and I got back together, we got to spend a few great weeks in the beautiful mountains of North Carolina. I love it when I actually see how the Lord has me in the perfect place at the perfect time. When I found out about my Daddy I was covered in love, support, and prayer. Seth's family definitely took care of me and made me feel right at home. I couldn't thank them enough.
During that time, Seth and I were pretty much high on love. We were that cheesy couple with the wind at our backs and nothing could touch us. We were freshly back together, he got into PT school in my home town, and we were on top of a mountain. We were makin' plans! We saw it all in front of us. Nothing could stop us, we were going to be happy forever. At least that is what I was thinking...
Then we got the call.
Daddy was going to be having a biopsy on this mass they found.
This sparked one of those conversations that are so special you never forget them. Seth and I started talking about life and how it is a roller coaster of ups and downs, mountain tops and valleys. He said, "Right now, we are on top of the mountain, we can see our life stretch out in front of us and it's beautiful and we can't forget how great things are right now because it won't stay like this forever." How right he was! He said that we can't take those moments for granted and we must cherish them.
Well, I am just going to say it. I think we, meaning my family and myself, are in a valley right now. Sometimes I think, "How much deeper can this valley get?" "How much longer are we going to be here?" But then I think of the valley I was in right before I was on that mountain. I wonder if a bigger valley means a higher mountain top? It's sort of an encouraging thought.
I know our Heavenly Father won't give us more than we can handle, so I know that whatever valley is ahead of me I can take it. BUT, I also know that He gives us things that we can't handle without HIM. So, I reach out to Him and grab hold because that is the only way I can make it through these valleys.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
During that time, Seth and I were pretty much high on love. We were that cheesy couple with the wind at our backs and nothing could touch us. We were freshly back together, he got into PT school in my home town, and we were on top of a mountain. We were makin' plans! We saw it all in front of us. Nothing could stop us, we were going to be happy forever. At least that is what I was thinking...
Then we got the call.
Daddy was going to be having a biopsy on this mass they found.
This sparked one of those conversations that are so special you never forget them. Seth and I started talking about life and how it is a roller coaster of ups and downs, mountain tops and valleys. He said, "Right now, we are on top of the mountain, we can see our life stretch out in front of us and it's beautiful and we can't forget how great things are right now because it won't stay like this forever." How right he was! He said that we can't take those moments for granted and we must cherish them.
Well, I am just going to say it. I think we, meaning my family and myself, are in a valley right now. Sometimes I think, "How much deeper can this valley get?" "How much longer are we going to be here?" But then I think of the valley I was in right before I was on that mountain. I wonder if a bigger valley means a higher mountain top? It's sort of an encouraging thought.
I know our Heavenly Father won't give us more than we can handle, so I know that whatever valley is ahead of me I can take it. BUT, I also know that He gives us things that we can't handle without HIM. So, I reach out to Him and grab hold because that is the only way I can make it through these valleys.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4
Monday, September 17, 2012
"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted." Isaiah 61:1
About seven months ago I clung to this verse as if my life depended on it. At the time, it really did feel as if it did. And if I think too much about it I can still feel that acute pain. That ache in my heart that had me on my knees crying out to God. "Why is this happening?" "What is Your plan?" "I thought he was 'the one.'"
Yep, that's right. My ONE and I had broken up and I was face down in the floor, tears streaming down my face, broken. I look back now at some journal entries from right before Seth and I broke up and I see how I had pretty much asked for it. Not exactly knowing what I was asking for, I asked the Lord, my Savior, to break me. To make Him my number one. I wanted to feel that fire for Him I had experienced before.
Thankfully, He granted my request. Yes, I know I said thankfully. I am thankful. Thankful that He broke me and showed me that His love was sufficient and that I give myself completely over to Him, my plans, my heart, my EVERYTHING, Seth, He would take care of me. Turns out Seth came back and now we are stronger than ever and everything is more perfect than I could ever dream. My most amazing dreams are coming true and I am sitting here watching it all happen.
At least in that area they are.
Here I am seven months later, looking back at the journal entries, the bible study, the prayer requests, the routine, anything I can look back and try and recreate to deal with this new loss. This loss I never saw coming. This most terrible, painful, sorrowful loss I never pictured myself dealing with. I am looking back to anything that can give me that presence of the Lord, the One who saved my heart and brought me back to life. I need that again. I am searching. I am waiting for Him to come bind up my broken heart. I know He can. I've felt it. I have witnessed it.
But... here I sit. Stunned. Still in shock I think. I can't be sure.
Cancer is a thief in the night. It takes from you when you aren't looking. It takes what you didn't think could ever be taken. That is how I feel. Some say I should be thankful for the time I had to say goodbye and prepare. But is three months really long enough to say goodbye? How can anytime be long enough to say goodbye when you are fighting so hard to keep them with you?
I've heard of the stages of grief and I keep trying to fit into one of those stages, but it just is not working. I want so bad to see some kind of path out of this, but my emotions aren't fitting into any single stage. Some days I cry, some nights I can't sleep, some times I laugh really hard, and most of the time I am fine. But then I remember what has happened this year, this past summer really, and it hurts and I am on my knees in the floor crying out to the Lord again.
I know He can heal. I believe it. And I will cling to that fact. And I will wait until my heart is bound up, just like is promised. I have faith in my Savior.
About seven months ago I clung to this verse as if my life depended on it. At the time, it really did feel as if it did. And if I think too much about it I can still feel that acute pain. That ache in my heart that had me on my knees crying out to God. "Why is this happening?" "What is Your plan?" "I thought he was 'the one.'"
Yep, that's right. My ONE and I had broken up and I was face down in the floor, tears streaming down my face, broken. I look back now at some journal entries from right before Seth and I broke up and I see how I had pretty much asked for it. Not exactly knowing what I was asking for, I asked the Lord, my Savior, to break me. To make Him my number one. I wanted to feel that fire for Him I had experienced before.
Thankfully, He granted my request. Yes, I know I said thankfully. I am thankful. Thankful that He broke me and showed me that His love was sufficient and that I give myself completely over to Him, my plans, my heart, my EVERYTHING, Seth, He would take care of me. Turns out Seth came back and now we are stronger than ever and everything is more perfect than I could ever dream. My most amazing dreams are coming true and I am sitting here watching it all happen.
At least in that area they are.
Here I am seven months later, looking back at the journal entries, the bible study, the prayer requests, the routine, anything I can look back and try and recreate to deal with this new loss. This loss I never saw coming. This most terrible, painful, sorrowful loss I never pictured myself dealing with. I am looking back to anything that can give me that presence of the Lord, the One who saved my heart and brought me back to life. I need that again. I am searching. I am waiting for Him to come bind up my broken heart. I know He can. I've felt it. I have witnessed it.
But... here I sit. Stunned. Still in shock I think. I can't be sure.
Cancer is a thief in the night. It takes from you when you aren't looking. It takes what you didn't think could ever be taken. That is how I feel. Some say I should be thankful for the time I had to say goodbye and prepare. But is three months really long enough to say goodbye? How can anytime be long enough to say goodbye when you are fighting so hard to keep them with you?
I've heard of the stages of grief and I keep trying to fit into one of those stages, but it just is not working. I want so bad to see some kind of path out of this, but my emotions aren't fitting into any single stage. Some days I cry, some nights I can't sleep, some times I laugh really hard, and most of the time I am fine. But then I remember what has happened this year, this past summer really, and it hurts and I am on my knees in the floor crying out to the Lord again.
I know He can heal. I believe it. And I will cling to that fact. And I will wait until my heart is bound up, just like is promised. I have faith in my Savior.
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