Joy

I am so excited! One week from today I will be flying to North Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with Seth and his family!  It will have been about five weeks since I have seen him.  It really hasn't been all that bad, but this week I have really been missing him.  He is just my person, ya know?  Anyways, I am so beyond ready for Thanksgiving break and then quickly after that Christmas break!

I have to say I am pleasantly surprised by the joy and excitement I have for the holidays this year.  Last year, I had a really hard time with it.  Mostly, my family tried to have a normal Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We did everything the same, but the fact that Daddy wasn't there felt like it was just hanging over our heads.  I think we all kinda just tried to get through the holidays.  This year, though, I feel my joy slowly creeping back.  I have been praying everyday for the Lord to just fill me up with joy, the kind that only He can provide, fill me up so much that I overflow and He has.  I love that such a big God can fulfill even small requests such as that.

I will admit, I still have moments when my thoughts go back to things I don't really want to think about.  I usually get to missing Seth pretty bad right about then because sometimes you just need someone to hold your hand and remind you that its okay to be sad every once and a while.  You can't always be strong and in order to be healed you have to let your wounds show.  I am trying to soak up these days because I know they are fleeting and I want to be open to everything the Lord wants to teach me through this.  It's not always easy, though.

Right now, I am just finding great happiness in my joy being restored for the holidays!  It's the little things ya know!  Sorry for the randomness of this post, just throwing some thoughts out there.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy.  Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you.
Psalm 5:11

Thankful

I am so thankful to have friends who share sweet words with me like this:

"For we do not have a great priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in a time of need." 

(Hebrews 4:15-16)

It gives me great comfort to know that the One who is command over my life and holds me the palm of His hand is able to sympathize with me.  To understand.  To know.  To just get it.  It makes my heart overflow with joy to feel His love rain down on me and cover my sin and heal my hurt.  I am so undeserving, but I am so thankful.  It's so hard to imagine grace that is unending, but His truly is.  

Making Room for Him

Well, I wasn't planning on writing on here so soon but... I just felt like I needed to!  First, a little background to this post.  I started the James bible study by Beth Moore last semester I think... Yeah I know, obviously it was long enough ago that I can't remember.  Anyways, I wasn't feeling connected and was having a hard time really getting into it and having a good quiet time so I ended up quitting.  Well recently I have just felt like it needed to be picked back up, dusted off, and cracked open.  So, I decided to give it another chance and just pick back up where I left off.

So, that brings us to now. I did a lesson recently that had a quote it in that has just been replaying in my mind.  "Every gap in your life makes room for the Lover of your soul."  These words just stabbed my heart and have been on constant replay in my mind.  I just think about how many times I have thought that I have lost something or am missing something now without my Dad.  How wonderful and incredible is it for me to realize that this "gap" I now feel in my life is just more room for my Heavenly Father.  The One who is "perfectly acquainted with every circumstance in our lives and every cell in our bodies."  (Beth Moore)

I just want to shout from the mountain tops about this.  It fills my heart with overwhelming joy to be reminded how well the Lord knows me, knows my heart, knows what I need and He wants to give me all of these things.  I also love what Beth Moore said about time and how He uses time to unwrap the gifts that we see as curses right now.  I can look back at mistakes I have made or times that I felt were hard and I am thankful for them now.  I remember when my family moved to Searcy and how scared I was and how hard it was to make new friends.  Now, I look back and am so unbelievably thankful.  So many good things have come from living there.

It is hard not having my Dad around and it will be hard for a long time I think.  That doesn't mean the Lord won't use this experience to grow me and bless me.  I am excited to continue this study and I think I  picked it (back) up at the perfect time!

Every generous act and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights. with Him there is no variation or shadow cast by turning.  James 1:17

I'll Do Better

So I guess it is pretty obvious that I am not so good at this blog thing.  Sometimes I think about deleting it, but then as soon as I do I get sad and think, "I'll do better!"  So this is me trying to do better, to be more dedicated.  Not that anyone reads it, but for myself.  I don't claim to be a writer of any sort, but I enjoy journaling and writing my thoughts down.  It is somehow comforting and soothing.  I remember I started to really get into journaling my senior year of high school when my English teacher required us to keep one for class.  Since then I have been hooked!  I will be honest though, since my Daddy passed away I have failed miserably.  My thought is to get back into it by through this blog.  Typing is a lot easier than writing...

I don't have any ground breaking thoughts or ideas as of now, but I can assure you that as soon I do this will be the first place I go to release them to the world!  Ha! In the mean time, I will just talk about what has been going on and exciting things that have happened.  

For starters, I was accepted in to PA school!!  EEEKKKK!!! <--- That is me jumping for joy and making my excited squeal!  The more I think about it, the more proud I am.  It is so nice to see all my hard work being rewarded.  All those mornings I woke up at 4:30 to go work a twelve hour shift as a nurse's aide actually meant something!  And let me tell you, working as a nurse's aide will humble you, teach you, and grow you in so many ways you never imagined!  (Not to mention give you lots of fun/awesome/disgusting/hilarious stories to share with your friends and family who may or may not want to hear them!)  All that studying I did to make good grades finally paid off, so happy about that! Although I will say now that I have been accepted has kind of made my "senioritis" worse.  Yes, I am a senior in college and now just like every other senior in college I don't want to study or go to class, but no worries (MOM) I do!  Anyways,  I am just very proud of myself for getting into school and now I just hope I can make it THROUGH school.  

I very often think about what my Daddy would say about it all.  I know he would be proud and excited because I am actually going to be in a position where I would have been able to take care of him just like he always wanted.  I wish I could share this accomplishment with him so badly, but I am sure he is proud of me from Heaven.

Moving on... I am obsessed with my nephews!  They are now over six months old and just growing, growing, growing!  It is just crazy to see how far they have come and look back at exactly where we were a year ago.  I love going home and seeing them practically every weekend, but I will admit after this summer it is nice that I get to drive to jonesboro and sleep through every night now.  My sister, on the other hand, does not have that luxury, but I think she is okay with it.  She is an amazing mother and I have loved seeing her grow into that role.  She fits it perfectly.  I hope that I can be as graceful as her when I become a mother, which will be a LONG LONG LONG time in the future! Having nephews is plenty for me right now!

Another fun accomplishment to report, though it's not about me, is that Seth made it through his first year of PT school!  WoooHooo!!!! I am so proud of him!  He worked so hard and did amazing and is one step closer to becoming a PT!  Right now he is in North Carolina on his first rotation.  I miss him a lot, but at the same time it is kind of fun him being out there and all because it feels like when we first started dating.  Missing someone makes it that much sweeter when you get to see them.  I am trying my best to soak up these days of us dating because I know we won't be in this stage of life forever and we will never get this time back.  I am really excited for all that we have ahead of us and sometimes I catch myself wishing my days away.  Everyday I try to be in this moment and focus on the short term because I want to enjoy the now and be happy now.  One. Day. At. A. Time. 

Well, I have said a lot so I will leave it at that!  I am going to hold myself accountable and be more dedicated to writing on here because I do enjoy it... Let's pray for the best!  I will just leave you with this verse that caught my eye and grabbed my heart the other day!  

So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God.  There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it more.  (Hebrews 4:16)

Breath of Fresh Air

     It has been a very long time since I have written on here.  Things have just been crazy these past few months.  I feel like my life is just in a constant state of change, which is sort-of an oxymoron.  I have sad it before and I will say it again.  I am tired.  Especially lately.  We are basically on baby watch with my sister, and I cannot wait to see these two little boys but I want them to stay in there grow as much as they can before they enter this big, mean world.  I feel like these past few weeks I have just been rushing around, going here and there, doing this and that.  It all seems so important at the time, but looking back I can't even remember what I was doing.  But that is just how life is these days I guess.

     A couple weekends ago I got to go visit a very good friend with two of my other best girlfriends!  And let me tell you, it was like a breath of fresh air!  We probably spent 80% of our entire weekend just talking, and laughing, and maybe a little crying.  Leaving there, I just had such a renewed spirit and an open heart.  I forgot how much I love that time with my best friends where we can let down our guards and be honest in our struggles and encourage one other.  That kind of community has been greatly missed in my life.  I have been so busy trying to be strong and hold everything together and be there for everyone, I forgot how much I need that time to just be vulnerable.  I can see so much more clearly why the Lord tells us we need community with fellow believers.  When I was in high school I had A LOT of that kind of community and I loved it!  Having God-fearing women who are willing to invest in your life and pour into you is one of the most valuable gifts a teenage girl can have.

    Leaving that weekend, I also left with a new sense of hope.  My favorite song right now is Not for a Moment by Meredith Andrews, it says exactly what I want to say and explains my hope in the Lord.  He IS constant.  He IS only good.  He IS sovereign.  And I know that even when I can't see Him or hear Him, He is there and has not and will not ever forsake me.  I don't need to understand why things have been difficult for my family and myself lately, all I need to know is that He will not leave my side and that He will not allow us to suffer if it will not produce some kind of fruit.  And in that I will take comfort.  I will draw near to Him and when words fail me I will pray for the Holy Spirit to intercede for me and say what I cannot say and ask for what I don't know to ask for.  My life is in His hands and there I know I am safe.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid?"
-Psalm 27:1

P.S.  If you have not heard Not for a Moment, I strongly encourage you to! Oh and the Passion 2013 CD is great too!
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